C is for Cat

Cats make lousy writing partners.  They are harsh critics who give their pompous opinions by shoving their butts in your face.  They prevent progress by sitting on your hands or keyboard when you are trying to type.  You begin to formulate a brilliant idea, but they decide they need more food immediately or they will starve to death, so that brilliant idea vanishes into the same memory void as the name of that one guy in that one movie with that thing.

Cats enjoy touching you and each other inappropriately.  They take pleasure from making sweet, sweet love to the legs of the nearest repairman or cat-allergic visitor.  They act like their people never pay any attention to them whenever anyone visits, when in fact they are the ones who ignore their people.  Cats approve of unkempt facial hair and malodorous feet, but turn up their noses at air fresheners.  When they are happy, they will knead your thigh, purring until they catgasm and fall asleep.  If you try to do the same to them, they hiss and hide under the bed.

Cats pretend to hate each other, but sometimes you'll catch them making out.  If they notice you, the immediately switch from furry love-fest to battle mode.  They are embarrassed by their amorous behavior, unless it involves the plumber, of course.

Cats are spiteful brats who destroy your house at the slightest offense.  They tear up your carpet and chairs, pee on the floor if the litterbox isn't just right, and barf on the carpet a mere two inches from the linoleum.  Those tiny holes in your screens?  Those are from cats trying to catch outside bugs or conducting showdowns with neighborhood strays.  Cats are only brave when there is a barrier between them and their intended victims.  Remove that screen, and they cower in the corner and urinate in the closet.

Cats occasionally prove themselves useful.  They are comforting when you are sick or sad.  The more docile ones make excellent toddler victims.  They eat the ants which invade through the basement window.  They make good pillow hats on cold winter nights.  Their purrs offer a soothing distraction from the noisy world.  Cats are only partially evil, so they tolerate us well enough to keep us entertained. So, celebrate Feline Friday by loving your cats.