Yolane

I took a short journey through Yolane Forest today. I moved to Northern California in January and all I have to do is drive fifteen miles and I'm in another world. This is how I always envisioned Bethel's Yolane, so I hope you enjoy the tour.

Yolane was like stepping into a distant past. Massive trees studded the landscape and the permanent cool damp ignored the raging summer that baked the nearby plains. Mist clung to moss, and animals scurried from branch to branch and bush to bush. It was a green world coated in the thick perfume of organic decay and living cypress, and I thought it was wonderful.

-from Arrow of Entropy (first draft)

The Cliff

Sometimes my mind gets lost. I step to the edge of the cliff and look down. I have no intention of stepping off, I just want to see what is there. Swirling mist and hanging rain? Endless fields of moss roses? Oceans, endless oceans of churning waves and writhing kelp? Nothing, everything, the universe, despair joy? My thoughts wander and I need to remind myself to breathe. I do not lack inspiration, but every effort is rewarded by my body screaming "No!" I retreat and try to force myself to wake.

I spin upon my aching heels and watch the twisted trees sway in a salt breeze. There are words on the wind, clear as glass, sharp and grating. I can dance with them and hold them in my hands, but they refuse to become tangible. The fatigue carries them into a silver box that I am forced to carry with me but not open. The only key is remission, but relief is rare and fleeting, and bracketed by an inability to accomplish anything beyond caring for basic needs. My body refuses to let me heed the call of the twisted trees and the screaming words. I can walk toward the trees but they never get closer, and the words spit scathing insults which burrow under my skin and leave me dazed and breathless.

I turn back toward the cliff to escape the words and nearly fall off the ledge. I can see what is beyond now. Water churns against barnacled rocks. My foot slips. I catch myself but an avalanche of pebbles drop into the water. They plink upon the rocks and are immediately thrashed into oblivion by the waves. If I fell, the violent water would do the same to me. I know I am caught in dreamtime, but this dream is too vivid to be harmless. It is my mind on the precipice of giving up and drifting into a nonchalant cycle varying between asleep and not-quite-awake.

I step back and look down the other side of the cliff. My inspiration sits on a lower ledge -- ragged, filthy, hooded, and surrounded by hungry birds. He is forgotten by society, invisible, a shadow of the brilliant light he once was. I know his story, but he is afraid of me because I know. He is afraid I will reveal his brokenness to the world and drive him from outcast to reviled. I have told the first two-thirds of his story, but he knows it is the last third which will break him. He doesn't realize it will also redeem him. All he sees is the churning water below the cliff, while I see a bigger picture. I see his frailty, his kindness, his longing to be something other than a waif trying to decide if he is ready to lean a little forward and plunge off the bluff. "Wait here," I tell him as he tosses his last piece of bread to the birds. "I will return for you as soon as I wake. I will reveal your life as worthwhile."

I walk away from the cliff. The trees stay distant and the words still wail. I turn around to see where I came from. I no longer see the churning water and the ragged cliff. Instead, I see the light glistening off the tranquil water. I see a piece of my own whole. There is as much beauty in the distant water as there was in the moss roses, in the violent waves, in my fragile muse contemplating his past and future. The fatigue remains, but its sting is lessened. The pain in my hands flares, but it is tolerable for now. I'm afraid to push it toward intolerable, but I must. I promised my inspiration I would return for him, and he will haunt me forever if I don't. He is too beautiful to be forgotten, even as he refuses to reveal his face to anyone but me.

The sun sets, but now I know it will rise again on the other side of the darkness. The fatigue is temporary, part of an endless cycle of day and night. My days and nights are different from most and not restricted by a clock. As the sun falls below the waves, I notice my inspiration upon the shore. He is no longer on the cliff, but instead standing in the sand, his feet licked by the rising tide. I stand with him and reach for his hand. The water is icy. He squeezes my aching fingers and says, "I am no longer afraid of you."

"Neither am I," I reply.


Note: I took these photographs while on a family vacation last week. While looking through them, I realized they had a story to tell just as much as I do.

Home

(This essential oil recipe was originally posted on my vegan recipe blog.)

While I was waiting for some rice to cook I had the urge to mix an essential oil blend that approximates the smell of the Michigan forest I spent most of my childhood in. Some of the scents I added aren't actually found in those woods, but they balanced the scents that were found there to create something invoking memories of of my little world of forts and wandering. It has inspired a little creativity for me, so I think I'll be using it in a diffuser while I work on Sand into Glass. It summons a bit of my childhood, but it also is how I imagine Bethel's Yolane Forest smelling. This is a sensory piece of both Arden's youth and Bethel's exile.

I often use physical props as inspiration while working on my books. I created a runestone set to help me through Shadows of Absolution. Sand into Glass got a set of divination cards that are used by Counselor Corundum and now I have a second sense to add to the visual. I'll have to create a blend that's a little more fiery for Arrow of Entropy.

"Home" Essential Oil Blend

40 drops lavender
25 drops cedarwood
15 drops clary sage
10 drops fir needle
10 drops frankincense
2 drops pine

Mix all essential oils in a 5ml glass vial. Use with a carrier oil in a diffuser when you want to be transported to a northern forest.

In the Weeds

We have a growth of weeds and grasses in front of our basement window. It is unsightly and facing the road, but I'm not inclined to pull it up. You see, that pile of weeds has been utilized as a rabbit nest for the last couple of years. A few nights ago, the kids and cats got to watch a palm-sized baby bunny the nest, possibly for the first time. It was maybe eighteen inches away, and safe from the curious eyes and grabbing paws. This is the third baby bunny I've seen outside my window in as many summers. Today, I saw the bunny's sibling, who was shier and darker. It dashed into the bushes when the cat knocked on the glass, but the bold baby with the white spot kept on eating. 

We've also watched birds and field mice take advantage of the tasty grass seeds. My son was fascinated by a dainty mouse climbing a stalk to savor a snack last summer. I don't want to pull those weeds. They are unsightly, but they are someone's home, and a rare shelter from the unrelenting heat. I no longer see weeds when I look at the neglected garden. I see an opportunity to show my children something amazing.

I finally caught some pictures of one of the babies a few minutes ago. They're a little blurry since they're through a window and I had to fight the cat for positioning.

The birdbath gnome is about 12 inches tall. The bunny is hard to see unless you click on the picture.

A Day in the Garden

I've been neglecting this blog lately, but hopefully for good reason.  I have reformatted all four books and I'm waiting for the proofs to arrive.  My books are going to be in print!  Once I get any errors taken care of (and it's easier to see errors in print than on a screen for me), all four books will be available on Amazon and CreateSpace.  I'm doing them as 6"x9" paperbacks, an industry standard size that keeps my page count down a little.  Mayfly Requiem still comes in at a hefty 463 pages in that trim size, but that might change depending on how the font and formatting look when I get the proofs.

In less tangible news, I'm creeping up on the end of Shadows of Absolution, the loose sequel to The Shattered Veil.  I keep drawing it out because it's an adventure, and all sorts of unexpected things happen in adventures!  I'd better get to work on it. 

I'll leave you with some pictures I took at the botanical garden we visited today.  

E is for Emergence

Spring began in November, but it wasn't until this week that color returned.  The winter was warm and dry, and Kansas turned brown instead of white.  Now green is emerging from the dun.  Dormant life bursts into bloom.  Flowers and insects swarm the grass, and rabbits party on the lawn once the sun goes down.  I have a feeling this is a brief transition leading to another brutal summer.

My Pantheism

I spent pieces of today in a debate with someone I didn't know.  I wrote the following to explain my beliefs to her.  I admit I plagiarized myself a little bit (using bits of things I posted on a message board), but some things I think I said right the first time so I didn't need to explain them a different way.

I see the universe as divine in itself, without the need for a higher power.  We are only at the zygote state of what we know in science, but that doesn't mean what we know is wrong.  Newton's theories are technically wrong, but they still apply to certain problem scales.  We modify and move on.  Nothing in science is absolute because we know that there is more than what we are seeing.  We strive to find out what that more is, and we find it, sometimes slowly and methodically, and sometimes through epiphany.  We do not assume that what we know now is all there is.

No matter how advanced our human science gets, we still won't know everything.  Particles react in strange and sometimes unpredictable ways and you have to keep breaking them down further and further to see what is going on underneath.  We used to think that protons and neutrons were fundamental particles, but now we know that they aren't.  They are made up of quarks, which are the only known particles to experience all four fundamental forces (strong, weak, electromagnetic, and gravitational).  In quantum physics, you can keep looking and looking, but you keep finding that there is always more to see.  Complexity and perfection.  Love is the gravitational attraction between two bodies, and it, along with duct tape, holds the universe together.

There is a lot of perceived chaos in the universe, but also balance.  Cause and effect balance out into a teetering stability.  An outside reaction tips the balance, and what looks like chaos is just another effect.  Many religious people look at the universe and believe there is more -- heaven and hell and some form of afterlife.  I look at the universe and think "This is all there is, it is more than enough, and it is magnificent."  I see heaven in the formation of a new star and the birth of an otter, hell in a volcano destroying an island and a supernova consuming orbiting planets.

My moral code is simple -- If what you are doing hurts yourself, another person, an animal, or the world around you, then it is wrong and you shouldn't be doing it.  I respect life in all forms and try not to leave a detrimental impact on my surroundings.  I am trying to leave my world a better place than it was when I came into it.  There is such beauty in the world, but it is often overlooked in the course of being human.

My beliefs are dynamic.  I believe that bosons are not subject to the Pauli exclusion principle, but I am open to a theory that proves something else.  Everything proven has the potential to be disproven, but that doesn't mean that everything we know now is incorrect.  The universe is a vast and strange place.  As for a higher power, I do not believe in one.  Nature is all the power I need to believe in, and nature is not a sentient, omniscient, or omnipotent being.  Anything I don't know, I try to learn more about.  I open my mind to epiphany, to new possibilities and ideas.  That inner growth is very important to who I am.  Nature is my temple and science is my translation.