Boreal

A frozen field in autumnal pain,
The bitter damp feels no remorse,
The pale sun pleads for mercy,
Her glancing blow a creeping glare
On the low, writhing horizon.
The darkened stare of night's embrace
Haunts the withering lichen face
Of darkened fields, the tundrid ice
Where naught a weary head may lie.
The northern lights submit no warmth,
Though they dance with frantic grace.
The sun surrenders futile heat
And retires to a safer place.
On the ice where the caribou roam,
Silence, a breath of frigid hope,
For gloaming creeps below the cold.
Though colder yet will winter be,
A dark embrace of misery
Beset only by dawning light.
Frigid hearts return to a thaw.

Tangential

I can see your face in my dreams.
I don't know if it is really you,
or someone I conjured.
You are intangible,
but maybe so am I.
Maybe we all are
tangent to life but never
really touching it at all.
Do you smile when you're sad
to hide the pain?
I think you do.
So do I.
Why do you call yourself that?
You are not that, you are not hateful.
You are not cruel.
You are vibrant.
I am the phantom, not you.
Do you whisper when you are angry?
Do you draw the life
from everyone you come near?
I can see you,
but I can't see the real you.
I only see what I want,
because I don't know any  more.
I can look in the mirror
but I can't touch it,
touch the person on the other side.
No one can.
Which side of the mirror is real?

Hypnogogic

in flux,
midway between asleep and awake.
the terrible absence of feeling,
a numb reward for...
nothing achieved.
flights of figments
infiltrating peripherals with insubordinate ease,
waiting, longing, striking.
reality merges with imaginary,
creates a new phantasm.
what is real and what is not...
indistinguishable, imperceptible.
it's all the same, meticulous botanicals,
a bit of remorse for a life less extraordinary.
fleeting, evading, submissive
freedom to create, victorious,
and finally, troubled sleep.
flurries of thought never diminish,
teasing, taunting,
coaxing to apex.

Shade/Mirror

While I was having a breakdown over my lost work, I found a missing and forgotten notebook.  There are  notes for three of my books in it, as well as a bunch of poetry.  I'm going to do a series of posts using the old, forgotten poetry to take my mind off of things for the moment.  They are dated November 2008.

Shade/Mirror

Showing everything, revealing
nothing.
Bright pools, mirrors
reflective,
but reflecting nothing real.
Show me who you are.
I see no reflection in your eyes.
There is no reflection,
no mirror, only
pure color, only
a shade within.
You elude me,
creature of twilight,
neither dark nor light.
In between.
Rays of murk,
ambiguous.
Oceanic spray.
No remorse, no envy,
only confusion,
loss.
Pelagic quandary.
A cleave between soul and form.
You are not the creature in the mirror,
you are something else.
Who are you?
What are you?
Why do you haunt me?
I almost see you,
but I cannot grasp.
Sleepless dreamer,
the phantom internal,
come out and play.
I want to see you.
I am not afraid.
Reveal.
Hiding no longer?
But, you are!
You always hide.
No truth and no lie,
only fate, only being.
Frailty.
Some fear you,
some ignore you,
so you stay in the shade.
I do not fear you.
Show me your reflection.
I am your mirror.
I am grasping, yet see nothing.
We are one.

Lost

I lost eighty two pages of rewrites, edits, and additions last night.  I saved and closed out of Office to reboot my laptop.  When I turned it back on, my file was gone.  The file was corrupted and my computer guru husband hasn't been able to recover it.  I have an earlier draft on my system because I save versions, and everything else is backed up on the server, but there wasn't any reason to back up my working edit until I was at a good breaking point.  I have figured out somethings now that I want to change or cut, but I am just so damned frustrated right now.  Three weeks of late nights and I have to start over at the beginning.  Between that and my toddler screaming in pain from his ear infection, I totally forgot to take the cats to the vet this morning and need to wait until they are open on Monday to explain and reschedule.    There are not any appropriate words in the English language to convey how I'm feeling right now so this will suffice...

AAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHRRRGGGGGGGGGG!#@$#!#%%$#HHHHHH

I get to start over.  I decided in my electronics-induced rage to cut out two characters who really ended up not doing anything and several scenes to streamline the first act.  That's about the only good that can come of this.  This new rewrite will be completely different from the one I lost.  Let's hope I don't throw my laptop in the trash before this thing is done.  Spontaneous creativity cannot be replicated.  What a nightmare.

Strawberry Tot

My toddler would eat nothing but strawberries if I allowed it.  Even sick with a double ear infection, he keeps asking for more.  His words have evolved.  He used to call them 'bees', then 'berries', and now at twenty-six  months, he can finally say 'strawberries'.  He will eat an entire pint before I can even eat one.

What I can't get him to swallow tonight is orange juice.  I had the pharmacy flavor his medication orange so I could mix it in with his juice instead of having to pin him down and pinch his nose to force him to swallow.  It has been a fight all week and it's wearing me down.  He is twenty-five pounds of sinewy toddler, and far stronger than he looks.  He thinks he hates me right now, so his daddy is getting plenty of cuddles while home on his own sick day.

My toddler loves mushrooms, edamame, tofu, and snap peas, but his favorite food is rice.  We did baby-led weaning with him, so he was eating apples right off the core at ten months.  He has recently decided that bread crusts are no good for anything other than marking his territory.  My little Hansel has been leaving crusts all over the house so he can find his way out of the enchanted basement when the wicked witch tries to get him to take Tylenol.  He spits out the liquid kind, and screams "No!" when I try the chewables.  They really need to come out with a gummy version, because he takes his gummy vitamins just fine.

We have to be careful with my toddler.  In May, he had an anaphylactic reaction to mango.  He is also lactose intolerant, but that's not much of an issue since our household is vegan.  The mango is the bigger problem because of the current popularity of tropical flavors.  Mango makes an appearance in trail mixes, smoothies, teas, fruit snacks, popsicles, lotions, sunblocks, and Indian food (as amchoor and in chutney).  He can't eat anything tropical with "natural flavors" listed on the ingredients.  We carry an Epi-Pen everywhere he goes and have trained our babysitters how to use it just in case a new allergy pops up.  The mango was sudden onset after a few non-reactive exposures.  I gave him diluted mango-peach-pineapple juice and he blew up into hives and started vomiting.  We don't have anything mango in the house anymore, and the only time I've gotten to eat it was when we went on vacation without him.

I'm afraid of what allergies my children will develop.  My husband and I both have food allergies, so the probability is high for all of our children having food allergies.  I don't want to live in fear over potential reactions, but I still have to be really cautious about what they eat and how new foods are introduced. We take food introductions slowly and deliberately.  It has worked so far and my toddler is not a particularly picky eater.  Strawberries are still a safe food, so my toddler can eat them all he wants.  Maybe someday he'll decide broccoli is his favorite food instead, so I can get more than one strawberry for myself from the containers I buy.

Free Book to Good Homes

So, here we are at March.  We lost winter to Alaska, so it's felt like March since November.  In celebration of it finally being March instead of just feeling like March, The Abyssal Night is free to download today and tomorrow on Amazon.  If you don't have a Kindle, you can download the free e-reader app for just about any device.  So, snag it, give it a try, and tell me what you think!

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